Courage

I wonder if maybe I'm lying to myself.

Did I really only want to get fucked up?

Or did I want to die?

I knew the pills wouldn't be enough.

I knew that.

But the pills might have been enough.

And I was aware.

The knives are only ten feet away.

I could drown myself in the bathtub.

Look up how to make a noose online.

All sorts of easy ways to die and none were that far away.

All I needed was a little courage.

To care a little less.

To be a bit more reckless.

Was I lying to myself?

Am I lying to myself?

Do I want to die?

Going to lay here now.

Hurting.

And not say anything.

All out of "courage" now.