Everything’s jumbled and jagged, swirling round and round, cutting up my thoughts, making everything so confusing, my brain feels like it’s burning up, I can’t think. I want to make it stop. I just want it to stop. I want everything to run in the right directions, I want to remember what day it is, I want to know what I’m doing, saying, thinking, feeling. It’s all just so everywhere, scattered, running too fast, I can’t stop it. So many thoughts. What am I doing? What am I saying? Who is this person? Where did I go? Or is this me and that other me was the fake? How do I know? Would anyone know?
It’s so quiet here all the time. Always empty. Just me. All alone, all the time. I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t want to be alone. I’m terrified and I don’t know why. I know if I sleep, I’ll wake up and feel better. Well, usually, but I’m still so scared. Why is it so scary? I hate being alone all the time, but I hate when there are other people here too. I feel like I’m suffocating, like I’m drowning. If I opened a vein, would this feeling eventually drain out with my blood? What would it take to make this go away? These feelings that make me feel like there’s a hole in my chest sucking out everything and leaving only emptiness and pain? Can that be cut out?
I don’t want to be me so much, but I don’t want to be anybody else either. I just want to work. To have everything function normally. I’m so tired of feeling like such a freak. I know that a lot of things I do are not normal, but I hate feeling like they’re abnormal. I hate feeling like I’m abnormal.
I don’t even know what I’m saying and I’m crying again. I hate crying, hate it hate it hate it. Crying is weak.
I think I need to be done with this now.
