Drowning

Drowning.

And I don’t know what to do.

And I don’t know what to say.

Trying not to think too hard.

Trying not to focus on what’s going on inside.

What’s tearing me apart?

Fear. Agony. Loneliness. Despair.

I just want to hide in the corner between the bed and the wall.

Shut my eyes tight.

Cover my face.

Close my ears.

Scream and scream and scream in silence.

Cry until I choke and drown.

Courage

I wonder if maybe I'm lying to myself.

Did I really only want to get fucked up?

Or did I want to die?

I knew the pills wouldn't be enough.

I knew that.

But the pills might have been enough.

And I was aware.

The knives are only ten feet away.

I could drown myself in the bathtub.

Look up how to make a noose online.

All sorts of easy ways to die and none were that far away.

All I needed was a little courage.

To care a little less.

To be a bit more reckless.

Was I lying to myself?

Am I lying to myself?

Do I want to die?

Going to lay here now.

Hurting.

And not say anything.

All out of "courage" now.

Useless.

Useless.

Useless.

Special to no one.

Nothing.

Empty.

Swallowing some more.

Hope I'll  disappear soon.

Song

Took some pain killers.

Planning on taking more.

‘cause what’s the point?

I try to not do these things ‘cause I don’t want to be like my dad.

But who cares?

I don’t.

I want to get fucked up.

If I had more money, I’d be drinking and smoking right now too.

‘cause who fucking cares.

No one.

No one.

No one.

No one.

No one.

No one.

Lalala.

It’s a song.

A song of madness.

Always playing at the back of my mind.

No one cares.

No one cares.

No one cares.

I am forgettable.

I am worthless.

I am useless.

I am wrong.

Erase my existence.

Undo me.

Hate me.

Hate me.

Hate me.

Lalala.

Lalala.

Lalala.

Let’s swallow some more.

Who cares anymore.

Haha it rhymes.

Lalala.

Lalala.

Two down.

Twelve more to go.

Was saving them.

For a fun time.

I’ll make this a fun time.

Aren’t we having fun?

No one cares.

No one cares.

Lalala.

Lalala.

I want to cut myself.

Stab myself.

Burn myself.

Drown myself.

Suffocate myself.

Hurt myself.

Again and again.

Over and over.

Might as well.

Will you hurt me?

Cut me.

Stab me.

Burn me.

Drown me.

Suffocate me.

Hurt me.

Again and again.

Over and over.

‘cause what does it matter?

No one cares.

No one cares.

Probably would think I deserved it.

Probably would think it’s my fault.

I do deserve it.

It is my fault.

Worthless me.

Useless me.

Why am I here?

Every day.

Why?

Is there a point?

A reason?

I don’t see one.

I’ve never seen one.

It was a mistake.

I was a mistake.

Erase me.

It’s not like it would matter.

If I’m here.

If I’m not.

No one cares.

No one cares.

Lalala.

Lalala.

My mother would be relieved.

My father said so.

I believe him.

Spoken truth.

He’d be relieved.

They’d all be relieved.

No more burden.

Useless.

Worthless.

Lalala.

Again and again.

Over and over.

Always playing at the back of my mind.

Sometimes louder.

Sometimes softer.

But always, always there.