Mental dis-fun!-ctioning

I think I’m hitting an upswing again. I feel silly putting it this way, but I feel my madness coming. My limbs are all tingly-twitchy. I want to go out and do stuff, I feel like I can do things I’ve been meaning to do. Like read this stack of magazines or get interactive with my drs. Write a book, make friends, leave my apartment, exercise, etc etc etc. My head is starting to want to spin in a hundred different directions and by the time I have slept for three or four days I’ll have started a million worthless projects and finished none. I’ll be creative and witty and alienate everyone. Then I’m sure I’ll crash and spend a month, maybe even two with barely enough energy to shower, let alone do anything about my life.
I have bipolar disorder, and panic disorder, and maybe borderline personality disorder. I’m getting help from the state, but I feel like they think I’m a fake. I know where its coming from, I’m very pleasant at all my state doctor reviews. I can make really good jokes about all the bad things, which I think makes me look more well-adjusted than I am. My family spent practically my entire life not speaking about the bad things, I don’t know how to just come out and say all of them. And, well, I don’t want to look like a crazy person. I’m a very contradictory person. I don’t want to tell any of it to a male doctor either. I don’t know that I tell anybody all my stuff.

Hard time falling asleep
Hard time staying asleep
Nightmares
Have to get up a bunch to go pee
Never feel rested
Wake up in the midst of a panic attack
Dream a lot, aware the whole time I’m dreaming
Easily irritated
Entertain visions of violence upon irritating people and their property (more their property than the person)
Crave pop
Crave sugar
Crave meat
Crave oj (recent)
Frequent headaches (started around Dec 2008, never had many headaches before that)
Super anxious almost all the time
Feel trapped
Fear of leaving the apartment
Fear of returning to the apartment after I’ve left
Lonely
Anti-social (very social up until two or three years ago)
Feel despair
Feel left-behind
Guilt
Shame
Fear of being disliked
Fear of being a disappointment
Terror of sharks
Terror of killer whales
Fear of people coming in to my apt when I’m asleep or don’t know they’re coming
No energy for things I love (reading)
Everything takes too much energy

I mean everything takes so much energy, every day, and it always has. I’m always tired, is life supposed to take so much energy? I don’t want this to be how the next sixty years are. It doesn’t seem worth it. Lately, when I go to the doctors and they ask “are you suicidal?” I say no, but its more that I feel obligated not to kill myself because it would upset my mom or my family would be ashamed of me or things like that, so am I really not suicidal? And shouldn’t I not want to die because I don’t want to?
Someone told me once that your suicidal if you have a plan, I never have a plan. I’m all about the impulsive, so if I was to try in the future (and I have in the past) it would be I decide, I go do it, right then, no waiting, nothing. I’d just have to make sure it wasn’t at home. I wouldn’t want my mom to be the one to find my body. And I’d have to decide who would take care of my cats, I’d want my brother but he’s allergic, my girls don’t like my dad or I’d say he’d be best, maybe after a little they’d grow to like him. My mom doesn’t pay attention to them so that wouldn’t be good, I wouldn’t want them neglected. Sometimes I think the only thing that would really stop me is that I couldn’t leave my babies in somebody else’s care, no one can love them like I can. I guess that’s as good a reason as any, right?
My dad likes to ask me what’s so wrong with my life that I feel the way I do. I’m just like really, you’re asking me that? You, who I inherited all this from? And besides, what does mental illness have to do with reality? As far as I can tell not a whole lot. Not that I have much to do with reality.

Geekified.

I finally watched Appleseed and I totally loved it! Deunan is such a stud! Cute too! I so want to see the next one. I might have to go buy it. I should look on Ebay and see if there’s a reasonably priced copy. I downloaded the song “Dive for you” by the Boom Boom Satellites when I finished watching the movie, I really liked it. Its going to be my new ringtone J Right now I’m waiting for my pics to get transferred to the computer, I had way too many on my camera, I wanted to go print them off, but my mom wants to borrow it for the quilt show tomorrow so, what can I do, there wasn’t barely any room left otherwise. I’ll have to print them out later for scrap booking. There’s an Appleseed graphic novel isn’t there? I should read it.

Ugh, I swear, this heat will be the death of me. Its 2:40 am and still over 80 degrees. At around five pm earlier it was over a hundred. My apartment is some sort of subtle divine punishment I’m sure. They’re going to slowly roast me alive in here with this suffocating hellfire they so cheerfully call sunshine. Bleh.

Nighttime is infinitely better than daytime.

Parody of an afternoon outing

A Fairy Tale Afternoon
(or something like that)

As tradition dictates, so shall we begin. Once upon a time (a couple weeks ago), in a far away land (not so far), there was a young lady (yo, that’s me, not so much of a lady though) who was about to set out on a perilous journey (”perilous journey”= car trip with hinky directions).

Our young lady began this day like any other; cheerful (grumpy), willingly (unwilling to get out of bed while the sun shone), and of course, right on schedule (actually, very behind a nonexistent schedule). As her enthusiasm increased, so did her energy and she practically leapt from her bed in her eagerness to start the day (in actuality, she begrudgingly forced herself out of bed and decided to get her ass in gear or she’d really be pissed at herself).
Preparations for that afternoon’s party took her no time at all, being a naturally stunning beauty (no comment) and she was soon underway (ha!) in her carriage (car). The amount of travelers on the road this day was astonishing! (Aggravating!) She decided it would be best to take a round about way and in so doing save herself many headaches (NOT). She eventually came to the point where she was unsure of where to continue, fortunately, her fairly good mother, oops!!! Ahem, fairy godmother, had provided her with written instructions about how to find the lakeside paradise.
After making a mental note to get directions from someone else next time, our brave adventurer diligently followed the instructions (while wondering if she should’ve brought emergency rations for when she got lost following said instructions). The path to paradise was long and twisty, forest surrounded our lady on all sides. As the road went on (and on and on and on), she had much time to enjoy the beauty of the scenery (and rock out to her iPod).
Arriving at last at the Eagle’s Crest (not its actual name, but we’ll go with it), she rejoiced in her accomplishment (it was more like relief that she didn’t get lost in the wilderness). Making her grand entrance into the villa, she was greeted warmly by her Ladies.
Our young lady was thrilled to meet Cody, Lady Deb’s new Alaskan Malamute/Golden Labrador mix. I feel I must inser that it has been decided that young Cody is the second cutest dog on the planet (Baby is, of course, first, forever). It was quite amusing to watch Lady Deb play with her puppy (it was really frickin’ funny to watch Deb fall on her butt in the water when the giant puppy knocked her over, and I’ve been kicking myself that I hadn’t thought to start recording before that happened!).
The merry-making continued with a feast, displays of talent (looking at quilt projects), talking, and finally, dock time (kicking my feet in the water at the end of the dock, singing too loud to music only I could hear, debating stripping and jumping in, I should just have GEEK tattooed on my forehead J).
With evening closing in, our young lady began her journey home, the return was uneventful and she soon found herself home safe.
And so again, as tradition dictates, we end this with:

Th-th-th-that’s all folks!!!

Or maybe its:

Ya’ll come back now y’hear?!

“And so they lived happily ever after” just doesn’t work here.


P.S. It should’ve been longer but its now five am and I’m tired. And in all honesty, I got bored with the story half way through. I don’t think I should get bored with my own stories. Oh, well.

My yaoi slideshow

I sing and attempt to dance while I'm driving.

I’ve always liked the song “How I could Just Kill a Man” the version done by Rage Against the Machine. I have no idea why it appeals to me so much. I don’t understand how you could just kill a man. I just love the rhythm(?). The mix of rock and hip hop. Its so attractive. Makes me want to get up and move. I really do think dance aerobics would be excellent exercise for me. Well, if they played my kind of music.
I also really like Puscifer’s “the Undertaker” (Renholder Mix). I first heard it in Underworld: Evolution when Tanus is getting’ his freak on with the two vamp-tramps (I have to add here that they were really lame compared to bad-ass Selene) it’s the background music. I always thought it was a good song and eventually looked it up on either wikipedia or IMDB, then downloaded it off iTunes. Same thing with the song that’s playing in Constantine when John first goes to that club/bar. “Passive” by A Perfect Circle. I enjoy that song a lot too.
When I saw Taken at the theater, I remember thinking they had really good background music, but that it didn’t seem very Liam Neeson-y. By the way, Taken is the perfect daddy-daughter quality time movie. My friend thought I was joking, I wasn’t though. It’s a wonderful portrayal of the depths of a father’s love for his daughter and the tremendous lengths he’ll go through to save her. My dad and I had a great time when we went. We both love action movies.
On Father’s day, my brother and I took my dad to Angels and Demons. I thought I wouldn’t like it very much, I wasn’t very into the DaVinci Code, had a hard time following it (I have attention issues so that was probably more my fault than the movie’s). Surprisingly, I found it quite enjoyable. It was fast-paced and fun. I think Vatican City is gorgeous and would love to see it some day, so seeing it in the movie was fun. And the assassin was hot. I think I might have a thing for guys in glasses. It was kind of predictable though, but oh well.
Transformers Revenge of the Fallen was entertaining. I love Shea LeBouf though. Who’d’ve thought the dorky kid from Even Stevens would turn out so cute?
I finally watched Live Free or Die Hard, I am so totally hot for Bruce Willis. Don’t know what it is. The man’s the same age as my mother, but damn he’s a good-lookin’ stud. I liked that movie, especially that the daughter wasn’t a weepy little pansy-ass.
This wasn’t really supposed to be a music and movie review. I’m never really sure how exactly I end up writing about what.