Fuck the title

I’m so stupid.

Should’ve lied.

Lied.

Lied.

Lied.

Nobody actually wants to hear the truth, nobody actually wants to know. Letting yourself believe a little, how stupid can you be?

It’s always the same.

Don’t ever forget it.

What happens when you try?

What happens when you hope?

Forget it.

It’s not for you.

Those things aren’t for you.

Remember?

You have to pay.

You have to suffer.

You don’t deserve anything.

He could tell.

That day. Thatdaythatdaythatday.

Saw it, in your eyes.

He’s always known.

You’re just like him.

Only worse.

At least he admits it.

Gave up.

Stopstopstopstopstop.

Don’t wish.

Don’t hope.

You’re only getting what you deserve.

Do you remember your sin?

Do you remember why?

You made a wish on a star.

But because of that.

Everything broke apart.

Your fault.

Your fault.

Your fault.

YOUR FAULT.

Don’t forget.

Don’t let go.

Don’t try.

Don’t dream.

Don’t wish.

Don’t hope.

Suffer.

Atone.

Yeah, maybe I can’t do this yet.

I should /listen/ to Navigator.

Fuck.

Come on girl. Keep it together, keep it together. Don’t lose the little control you’ve managed just because of something like this.

Drowning

Drowning.

And I don’t know what to do.

And I don’t know what to say.

Trying not to think too hard.

Trying not to focus on what’s going on inside.

What’s tearing me apart?

Fear. Agony. Loneliness. Despair.

I just want to hide in the corner between the bed and the wall.

Shut my eyes tight.

Cover my face.

Close my ears.

Scream and scream and scream in silence.

Cry until I choke and drown.

Courage

I wonder if maybe I'm lying to myself.

Did I really only want to get fucked up?

Or did I want to die?

I knew the pills wouldn't be enough.

I knew that.

But the pills might have been enough.

And I was aware.

The knives are only ten feet away.

I could drown myself in the bathtub.

Look up how to make a noose online.

All sorts of easy ways to die and none were that far away.

All I needed was a little courage.

To care a little less.

To be a bit more reckless.

Was I lying to myself?

Am I lying to myself?

Do I want to die?

Going to lay here now.

Hurting.

And not say anything.

All out of "courage" now.

I’m still really not okay.